memories took the best of me*

For the last few days everything has been reminding of something that
happened last weekend. People are sending flowers, I found an old song of
mine about it. Just now I was studying for a chemistry exam I'm bound to
fail and suddenly the memories just started flowing in. Memories and
thoughts of what will change from now on. What's a person to do but cry
one's eyes out... And write something like this.

My mom said today that she felt like she had said everything that needed to
be said before her mother died. She said that talking to the doctor before
the death had reassured her. She said it took away the fear of the unknown.
Right after my grandmother died, my mother said that death didn't feel like
a distant, scary thing anymore.

Well, mom, I can't say I feel that way. Not only has nobody so close to me
ever died, I have never seen a dead human being before. Right now I'm
wondering, did seeing her dead help me in any way to realize the finality
of the event, or did it just disturb my mental balance. You had been there
for a week, watching her even after she fell unconscious, and you told me
how it just feels like she's gone to sleep, that there's nothing to be
afraid of. But when I walked into that room in the hospital that Saturday
afternoon only hours after she had died, I was terrified out of my mind.
She didn't look peaceful at all to me, she looked pale, tiny and like a
skeleton. The way her jaw was sort of "sunken in" so that her mouth wasn't
completely closed was, in lacking a better word, scary. I could barely look
at her lying there, and you stroked her face and said how she was still so
warm. I just broke down. I wanted to tell you to stop but the words refused
to let themselves be uttered. All I could do was break down and cry. That
was probably just because of the shock of the situation. Now, less than a
week later, the reality of what has happened is only beginning to reveal
itself to me.

Two weeks ago, when we came to visit grandmom in the hospital, just as we
were leaving, I thought I should tell her I love her. Then I just didn't. I
don't know why, maybe it's because when all is said and done, I'm just not
used to expressing my emotions or sometimes even dealing with them, I just
didn't say it. Today you said you had gotten closure. You said that
everything that needed to be said had been said. Good for you.

Except that I never told my grandmother how much I loved her.